4 1/2 Years Without You

Today, it's been 4 1/2 years since I last held Bruno. I find myself often looking at the pictures I have of us together, closing my eyes and imagining how he felt. The softness of his ears, his furry belly, the tight muscles in his back. I don't think the pain of not having him with me will ever go away. Sure, I've gone on with my life and learned to deal with it, but there's this huge emptiness inside of me that hasn't been filled since he left me. If I think too much about him, especially about what he went through in his last week, I find my heart beating faster, my breath comes in shallow gasps and tears instantly spring to my eyes. It's been so long without him but the memories feel like they just happened. I do realize that I am not alone with my feelings, though. Others have gone through this, of course, and finding this blog made me realize that others do understand exactly what I went through and what I still go through.

I feel that he was robbed of what he deserved. He was innocent and perfect and beautiful. He deserved to be free of arthritis, free of hip dysplasia, free of food allergies, free of cancer. I would happily suffer all of those things for him and give years off of my life to have him back, living the long, happy, pain-free life that he deserved.

One huge thing I've come away from this with is that I do not take anything for granted. I kiss and hug my girls every chance I get, telling them I love them. I spend the time with them that they deserve and I don't put those happy, fun times off. I want to make sure there are no "I wish I would haves".

Bruno, mama still loves you as much as ever and I can't possibly express how much I miss you. Your place in my heart will never, ever change. <3

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

~Gone Away by The Offspring

New Toy Fun

I'm not big on the holidays, but we do celebrate a bit. Last night, we visited my in-laws and were both very happy to get a dehydrator from them. Now I can make sweet potato chews for Emma and Rowan!

We got some new toys for our girls and ended up giving Emma and Rowan their new Nylabones last week. The weather has been so cruddy that we've been cooped up in the house a lot, so the new bones have been a nice distraction for them. They're already chewed on them a lot!
All of the excitement from getting her new bone tired Rowan out. She ended up falling asleep on it. So cute!
Crystal and Sophie each got an organic catnip toy, which they both enjoyed quite a bit. Sophie was a bit hesitant about it at first, but then really laid into it!
This is the 18th holiday season that I've spent with Crystal and I'm so thankful to have had her in my life all of this time. She adores catnip and really enjoyed her new toy!
Emma and Rowan got four new toys today. They already have a frisbee from West Paw Design, which is the best, sturdiest frisbee ever. However, whenever we throw it for them Emma likes to play "keepaway" with it for a very, very long time. Getting them a second one seemed like a good idea. Not only can they plan tug with it inside until it gets nice out, but when it does finally get decent enough outside to throw it, we'll have two of them to throw.
After playing tug for a while, they settled down and enjoyed their other toys.

No matter what you celebrate (or if you celebrate at all), we wish everyone a happy, safe holiday season!

Picture Time

I'm not a huge fan of the holidays, but I've got to admit that our home has been pretty cozy lately with the fireplace and decorations. We've never had a fireplace before, so it's fun to hang the stockings on it.
Up until this week, we didn't have any snow. That all abruptly changed, though. Rowan was super excited about it the first few days, always asking to go out and play in it. Emma, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care for it. With her short, thin fur, she's definitely more suited for warm weather.
Which brings me to the next photo. This is where Emma spends the majority of her time. She loves the fireplace!
This is the one and only time Rowan spent any amount of time by the fireplace. She usually keeps her distance. Emma was very content with the blanket and her sisters keeping her all snuggly warm.
Rowan wasn't so sure about the singing snowmen at first. She mouthed Mr. Snowman's nose to see if it was a real carrot, but now likes to just lay by them, chilling out.
The kitties love to lay underneath the tree, but every once in a while I was lucky enough to attempt a shot of the pups by it. This is the only one that has worked out so far.....

Rowan's Birthday Activities

Although we had to work yesterday, we made the day as good as we could for our year old sweetie! In the morning, she got a bowl full of her favorite veggies sprinkled with vegan bacon bits and vegeyeast, which she devoured with Emma (who actually got up right away voluntarily!). They then proceeded to play with their hemp rope toys, which made Rowan very happy. She's not used to having so much activity in the morning!

As soon as I got home from work, I prepared her cake. It was a mini apple peanut butter cake that I frosted with peanut butter and topped with chopped carrots, complete with a baby carrot "candle". The recipe is one that I just completed, so I was hoping for rave reviews.
She wouldn't eat it while it was on the plate, so I put it in her bowl for her. While Emma ate hers on the plate, Rowan quickly devoured it. They both approved of these treats very much! Yay!!
Next, we went outside to play with one of Rowan's favorite toys, the frisbee. Unlike Emma's birthday a few weeks ago, when it was sunny & in the 50's, yesterday was in the low 20's and there were flurries. Rowan didn't mind, though. She does just fine in the cold and it doesn't seem to bother her one bit (unlike Emma). As you can see, she was *extremely* happy to be playing frisbee.
After we went back inside, she got her birthday present, a "puncture proof" pink bone that is supposedly for heavy chewers (which both of my girls definitely are). About five minutes later, we found that it was indeed NOT puncture proof. She had not only punctured it, but chewed a small piece off. The search goes on for Emma & Rowan proof toys!
We then had dinner and watched a movie, all snuggled together on the couch. All in all, it was a great night and Rowan seemed to be quite the happy girl (even though her new toy didn't last long :( ). If the weather cooperates, we'll be spending as much time as we can playing frisbee, taking walks and hopefully going to the dog park this weekend. Fun times!

Happy Birthday Rowan!

It's Rowan's first birthday today! Mike and I have to work, unfortunately, but we'll be making it an extra special night and weekend for her. Stay tuned tomorrow for a report of my little girl's birthday activities!

Last night I baked her special birthday treats & it was the first time I got to wear one of my new aprons. Rowan followed me around for a while sniffing it, wondering what was up with her mama's new accessory.
She stuck by me the entire time that I made her treats, gazing longingly up at the bowl. When I get that yellow bowl out, both of my girls know what time it is!
The treats finally got into the oven and she was able to start doing one of her favorite things- licking. I love the goofy faces she makes when she's getting serious about her licking!
I was extremely proud of her when she licked the bowl for a little while when it was on the floor. She soon got worried by all the noisy sliding around it was doing and stopped, though, so I ended up holding it for her. As always, she was very good about sharing with her sister.
Happy birthday, my sweet little thick necked wiggle butt! Mama loves you so much that I think I'm going to burst sometimes!